By Dr. Allen Novian

How do we communicate when we can’t stop arguing?

Most people look at communication as getting a point across. I instead begin to teach them how to communicate by teaching them to listen to each other and then to voice back to their spouse what they just said before they give their side. This is why I have couples listen to me and repeat to me what I said before they begin to communicate to each other. Communication with me is usually less emotional so it is easier to listen. However, if you can learn to listen first and talk second with me you can usually learn to do it with your spouse. This ability to listen first, repeat what is said, and then give your side will often prevent the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse from starting and keep communication from turning from a discussion to an argument. The 4 Horsemen were discussed on July 13 of this year, but to revisit it, they are as follows: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. As you can see communication and commitment go hand in hand to strengthen and maintain a healthy marriage relationship.

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