.png)
Search
- Dec 9, 2014
Holiday Hope
December 9, 2014 Dr. Allen Novian The holidays always seem to be filled with more expectations than excitement, which can bring out the worst in us at times. Finding hope, joy and peace is an expectation of most of us at Christmastime, but actually finding any of those things can sometimes be a hard nut to crack. Between remembering those who have passed, looking at the chaos of the stores and streets, juggling the Christmas parties, recitals, school events, and untangling
- May 10, 2013
Fighting Fair: part 2
by Brianne Lutterman, MA, NCC, LPC-Intern On the last section, I talked about venting your relationship problems with your spouse/significant other to family members and friends. Problems arise within your relationship when venting to others instead of resolving the issue with your spouse. Not only does venting affect your marriage, but can also impact your relationship with your friends and family. Instead of holding your grudges in while saying to yourself, “I just don’t wa
- May 8, 2013
Introducing Brianner Lutterman, MA, NCC, LPC-Intern
By Dr. Allen Novian Update: We are so proud of Brianne for becoming a FULLY LICENSED LPC!!! She has moved on to other career opportunities upon receiving her license, and we wish her all the best in her future as a Licensed Professional Counselor. While Brianne is no longer with iCNS, we look forward to bringing in new LPC-Interns to offer counseling, neurofeedback, and biofeedback services in the near future. Original Post: We are SO excited to be welcoming a new member of
- May 8, 2013
Fighting Fair: Venting in Relationhips
By Brianne Lutterman, MA, NCC, LPC-Intern Supervised by Dr. Allen Novian, PhD, LMFT, LPC-S Hello, My name is Brianne Lutterman, and I am new to Novian Counseling & Neuroeducation, but I am certainly glad to be here. I wanted to take a look at relationships, and communicating with friends and family about your marriage in a negative way. While I recognize the benefit that venting to friends has in the moment, the aftermath is not always so great. When you vent to close friend
- Apr 18, 2013
Relationships and Boundaries
By Dr. Allen Novian Have you ever seen a brother and sister sharing the back seat of a car? It seems inevitable that one will begin to pester the other by pushing boundaries. One of them crosses the invisible “middle line” and the other immediately complains about it. The same thing happens between spouses as invisible boundaries and expectations are not respected. Arguments between parents and children also often come from the breaking of unspoken or unseen boundaries. O
- Sep 30, 2011
Stages of Forgiveness: Stage 6
By Dr. Allen Novian Stage 6: Develop Genuine Neutrality Hopefully, in the process of forgiveness, you will come to resolve any negative emotions and thoughts about yourself and the other person or organization. To do so requires that you do not expect or demand any payment or restitution after forgiveness. You must assume that there is no debt to you. Mother Teresa once said, “It is between God and myself, it was never between me and them anyway.” This must be practiced
- Sep 28, 2011
Stages of Forgiveness: Stage 4
By Dr. Allen Novian on September 28, 2011 Stage 4: Stop Punishing one of the common behaviors of people is to try to punish those who have harmed us. Most studies have shown that punishment rarely teaches anything other than to resent the person doing the punishing! Some of the ways you may punish are by withholding companionship, giving someone the silent treatment, or even giving compliments but then taking it back with an insult. You may try to go further with legal act
- Sep 15, 2011
Stages of Forgiveness: Stage 3
By Dr. Allen Novian Stage 3: Submit to a feeling of Vulnerability The next stage in forgiveness is to open yourself to change and dissonance. You cannot spread butter when it is hard and cold. Forgiveness does not come easily when your ideas, thoughts of revenge or justice are hardened. You must retreat and re-examine your approach. Just like a pound of butter, if you want to forgive and heal, you need to let your ideas thaw and be molded into a new perspective, combined w
- Aug 23, 2011
Stages of Forgiveness: Stage 1
By Dr. Allen Novian on August 23, 2011 There are 7 stages of forgiveness and they are as follows: Stage 1: Admit you are angry! Stage 2: Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences! Stage 3: Submit to a feeling of Vulnerability Stage 4: Stop Punishing Stage 5: Identify some good in the other person Stage 6: Develop Genuine Neutrality Stage 7: Stay in the Present Today, I want to focus on Stage 1: Admit You Are Angry! Many of us will echo the thoughts of “What? I’m not supposed to g
- Apr 8, 2011
Stages of Forgiveness Part 1
Moving from Anger and Resentment to Compassion and Love Much has been written about forgiveness. Everywhere you turn people are saying you have to forgive, yet few people likely understand the process of true forgiving. For true healing, forgiveness is essential. The same holds true for the idea of compassion. Yet I have learned that going from anger straight to compassion does not bring about true forgiveness. It only creates a sense of pseudo forgiveness. Many people try to
- Sep 21, 2010
New Directions
By Dr. Allen Novian There are always reasons to take a new direction in life, whether it be the clothes you wear, the job you do, the treatment choices you make, or the relationship you are in. Looking outside the box can be scary and more than a little nerve wracking, but sometimes, it is the best choice.In relationships, there comes a time when a change is needed by one or both people. The question then, becomes, “Do we change together, or separately?” Often, when trust has
- Jun 23, 2010
An Exercise in Gratitude
By Dr. Allen Novian This exercise is meant to encourage healthy, positive conversations. Often, couples get so caught up in the negative, critical, or stress-laden conversations throughout their day that the positive interactions we crave get pushed to the wayside. The fact is that positive conversations need to be practiced so that the negative conversations do not create a downward spiral. Positive conversations of gratitude happen in a set of 6 easy steps, but they are onl
- Apr 6, 2010
Building and Maintaining Trust in Relationships
By Dr. Allen Novian Is trust, or the lack of it, affecting your relationship? Because your partner has been “burned” in a previous relationship, is he or she now finding it difficult to trust you? Has infidelity in your relationship made it hard for you and your partner to trust each other? If so, you are not alone. When couples are asked to describe a situation that causes distress in their relationship, the topic of trust frequently arises. They lament, “I can’t trust him w
- Mar 29, 2010
When the Honeymoon is over
By Dr. Allen Novian Have you ever heard someone say, “The honeymoon is over,”? When problems crop up in a relationship or marriage, they are like parasitic weeds. At the beginning, they can be small. They are so small, in fact, that they might not even be noticed as problems by either spouse. For example, if Sharon goes out late every Friday night to rub elbows with her coworkers, Alex may at first praise her driven and outgoing nature, and he makes plans with her on a differ
- Dec 2, 2009
Holiday Blues
By Dr. Allen Novian During the holidays, there is an expectation of connection and joy. We are supposed to get together with family, rejoice and sing Christmas carols. But the image of happiness can often be very thin. For many of us, it is a struggle to find the joy of the season because we feel disconnected from those we love, or because the demands of our schedules overwhelm our ability to find peace and relaxation. If this sounds familiar, give me a call. There IS a way t
- Oct 13, 2009
C's of the Marrried Relationship Part 4
By Dr. Allen Novian The final C is Compassion. Acting out of compassion for your spouse and yourself in all things is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. All too often in relationship, compassion is replaced by selfishness, jealously, and resentment. Compassion involves a continuous desire for your spouse to be happy, to prosper, and to grow in love. This desire is demonstrated in what you think and, more importantly, in what you say to and about your spouse. The most im
- Oct 12, 2009
C's of the Married Relationship Part 3
By Dr. Allen Novian How do we communicate when we can’t stop arguing? Most people look at communication as getting a point across. I instead begin to teach them how to communicate by teaching them to listen to each other and then to voice back to their spouse what they just said before they give their side. This is why I have couples listen to me and repeat to me what I said before they begin to communicate to each other. Communication with me is usually less emotional so it
- Oct 8, 2009
C's of the Married Relationship Part 2
By Dr. Allen Novian Communication issues are probably the most common reason that couples come to see me for therapy. Couples will often tell me “we just can’t seem to communicate about anything”, or “we are constantly arguing”, or “he/she just doesn’t understand me”. They might say we use to get along but now everything we say to each other ends up in a fight. So this is how couples come into my office, after being unable to communicate for usually a long time they are frust
- Oct 6, 2009
C's of the Married Relationship Part 1
By Dr. Allen Novian Couples come into my office with many complaints, but usually their problems boil down to at least one of three core issues. These issues can be summed up in the “3 C’s of Relationship,” comprised of Commitment, Communication, and Compassion. Commitment issues include not only emotional and physical affairs but also anything that becomes a priority over the relationship. The one I see most often is the couple who over the years has allowed their commitment
- Jul 19, 2009
Marriage Begins and Ends with a Promise
by Dr. Novian A vow, according to http://www.dictionary.com, is “an earnest promise to perform a specified act or behave in a certain manner, especially a solemn promise to live and act in accordance with the rules of a religious order.” So marriage begins with an earnest promise to love and honor in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do we part. Most of us learned to recite these promises as children, so why do so many coupl